Breaking Point - okay, not quite yet.

I mentioned in my last post that the behavior around our house has been less than admirable. It has been blatant defiance, horrible temper tantrums (not like her usual ones, these have been crazy bad), resisting as everything I say to the point of peeing her pants in front of me rather than listen to me and go potty (she's been fully potty-trained for over a year). It's been a nightmare and as a single mom, I've been on the edge of collapse for a couple weeks. It's been really hard to handle.

But, it's a two-way street. I’m not at all happy with the way my child is behaving but it’s hard to fault her when she is feeding off of and into my reactions. Mari is extremely smart and intuitive…she knows which buttons to push and just how far to push. Unfortunately, the realization of the fact that I’m “being played” by my child does nothing to ease my frustration or impatience. Part of the frustration is the fact that, because of Mari’s intelligence, I often set the bar too high for her…yes, I expect her to do the things I know she is capable of but I forget sometimes that a 3-yr-old gets so distracted and that Mari, in particular, is extremely sensitive to situations that are sensory overwhelming. Just because she could completely dress herself yesterday, does not mean she has the focus or energy to do it today. We are working together to find a happy understanding of each other.

I’m reading Raising the Spirited Child (AMAZING!!) and, while I could spend an entire post on what I’ve gotten out of this book, there is one profound thing that I’ve learned. This is the definition of introverts and extroverts. I’m very much an introvert - introverts are not necessarily shy, but we are people that need to regroup and refuel our energy by having downtime and alone time. Extroverts are people that need stimulation and people to refuel them - perfect definition of Mari. One of the hardest things to read was that an introverted parent of an extroverted child will have an extremely hard time meeting their child’s energy needs. That hurts. But it’s true. I’d rather spend my evenings and weekends just hanging out at home doing whatever and Mari, while not able to handle a large number of activities, cannot stand to be one-on-one with Mommy for that length of time. It is somewhat of a relief to realize that this is not a slam to me, it is the simple fact that Mari needs interactions and other people to help her refuel. This is why sometimes just calling Grandma to say Hi can put her in a better mood instantly.

So we are learning. Another thing I’ve learned is that, while you try to give kids choices, there are some thing that they do not have a choice about. And it’s okay to tell them to do it. And you don’t have to say please. Huh? Yup. For an intuitive kid, adding “please” to the end of a command is the same as adding a question mark. And it’s true….anytime I say please, she tells me no. So I’ve stopped. Or tried to. I say it a lot! (Lest you think I’m teaching my child to be rude, I’m not. We still say please and thank you for everything else except those things that she does not get a choice about). Try it once...say "Come to the table, please." vs "Come to the table." It's so much easier to wallow out of the first one.

Another thing is the positive reinforcement. It goes a LONG way. Duh! No brainer. But I was struggling because it seemed like every time I praised Mari, she’d turn right around and act up. It drove me crazy. I’ve now learned that because of her level of distractibility, even something as simple as “I like the way you are doing that” can distract her enough that she gets off track and can’t get herself back together. So praise is abundant but my timing is better.

So after our bad week last week, I've made a promise to myself that I would change myself to accomodate Mari. Hopefully just changing my expectations and reactions will help her settle back down to a secure place.

We got to put it to practice tonight - with one fight (big decrease and it was short!).

As I was fixing supper, Mari was playing with her toys…I gave her a 3 minute warning for supper, a 2 minute warning for supper, then a 1 minute warning for supper. Obviously, at this age, time is subjective but she needs the count down. Each time I warned her, she happily said OK. When it was time for supper, she started for the table and immediately yelled “But I want JUICE.” I calmly replied “It’s suppertime, you drink milk with supper.” So she changed her tune “I want a RED cup.” (Nevermind the milk was in her favorite blue cup.) I looked her in the eye and said “Mari, it is suppertime, come to the table.”

Next, she threw herself on the floor screaming, kicking, thrashing, wailing “No, I won’t. I want a red cup. I don’t want supper. I want a red cup.” I sat down and started eating, totally ignoring her. Unfortunately, ignoring doesn’t work too well when she’s screaming that loud. When she stopped for a breath, I told her she had a choice of coming to the table or going to her room while I ate and that she had to the count of 3 to make the decision. If she didn’t choose, then I would get to choose and I would choose to have her come to the table. So I counted to 3 and asked her for her decision. She turned her back on me and humpfed. I picked her up and carried her to the table explaining that since she didn’t choose, then I chose for her to come to the table. Of course, this led to screaming, hitting, not sitting down, trying to knock her food off the table, etc. So I carried her to her room and attempted to leave her there. She, of course, tried to run out the door but I was able to make it out and shut the door. She screamed bloody murder and I went back to my dinner, trying to keep myself together. She screamed for about 2 minutes and then the door comes flying open and I can see out of my peripheral vision that she is watching me eat. So I talk to the cat about how yummy my food is. Then she comes out of her room, grumping, attempting to knock over her mailbox. I look her in the eye and say “if you are coming out of your room, you will come to the table.” Hesitation. Evil eye. Shoulder shrug. “Okay, Mommy.”

In seat at table. “I want a RED cup.” “Well, Mari. Tonight you are drinking out of a blue cup. If you want a red cup, you may have one tomorrow for supper but you must sit in your seat at the table and ask nicely or Mommy will not be able to hear you.”

And we had a very pleasant evening. 10 minute fight. Mommy seething inside but never showing it. Mari acting like a terror but making the choice herself to cooperate.

Can we keep this up? I hope I have the energy.