Lessons I have learned from Instant Immersion Parenthood

1. Babies in the bathtub are slippery. Really slippery. Very very slippery. I know you are slapping your forehead saying “Duh!” But most parents have a little experience under their belt before they learn this. I learned the hard way less than 4 hours after becoming a parent.
2. The first “Mommy, I hate you, you scared me, what the heck are you doing, are you seriously cut out for this job?” melt-down is the hardest. See Rule #1
3. Always apply baby oil/lotion to the feet and legs last, otherwise you will have trouble lifting the butt to slide the diaper under. See #1 about slippery babies.
4. Legs are much more flexible than arms…put the arms in the sleeper first, then the legs.
5. Remember the most important thing in the emergency diaper bag you leave in the car is not the diapers nor the wipes nor the emergency ration of formula. It is the extra Mommy t-shirt. If you don’t have one in your car right now, go put one there. You are just asking to get peed on, pooped on, vomited on.
6. Peace and quiet do NOT play well together.
7. Buy batteries in bulk. All sizes. You do NOT want that favorite toy dying at an inconvenient time.
8. It is impossible to get a spaghetti-covered onesie off without getting sauce in the curls. Take the onesie off before eating.
9. Sometimes lessons DO have to be learned. Kids don’t understand HOT until they really know what HOT means.
10. Never leave a curling iron on even if it has an automatic shutoff and you are 100% sure your kid can’t reach it. See rule #9.
11. Never let your kid go running down the driveway barefoot on a hot summer’s day. Again see rule #9.
12. Never wear a white t-shirt while sitting next to a 2-yr-old eating licking Doritos.
13. Never tell your child that they can watch a TV program before bed…that will be the night that it’s an hour and half special episode.
14. Teach your child early to listen to your music. Never let it be known that there is such a thing as “kid’s music.” Otherwise you will be head-banging banging your head listening to music in the car.
15. No matter what age your child is, someone will tell you that the next age is worst. You will then hang your head in despair and resolve to be happy with your current situation cause it’s really about to get ugly.
16. Never tell your child about a birthday party until an hour before it’s time to go. Your life will be miserable until that party…why listen to 3 weeks of “I wanna burtday cake” when you could’ve just saved yourself by waiting?
17. Kid’s toys come with way too much packaging. I’m sure toy manufacturers think they are doing parents a favor by allowing us to see and touch and hear all the pieces and parts before buying…but what a nightmare. First the child wants to try it out in the store but then the tantrum follows when you put it back on the shelf. If you purchase one as a gift, there is NO way to nicely wrap it because it is an odd shape and, even after being wrapped, will still randomly play tunes and talk in the middle of the night. And if your child receives one as a gift, prepare for the meltdown that comes because it’s going to take you 45 minutes, a pair of wire cutters, a box cutter, scissors, and 3 trash bags to get the stupid toy out of the package. Can we just go back to the days of the cardboard box with the picture on the front?
18. The most tedious, monotonous games will be your child’s favorite. And how can they not sit still for 5 minutes any other time but they can play CandyLand Castle for an hour at a time?
19. How do they know what day it is? Why do we get up at 5:45 every Saturday and Sunday but I have to drag you out of bed on school mornings?
20. Putting your child in the ugliest, most worn out sweatpants and holey t-shirt will ensure that your child has perfect table manners and is immaculate during art time. Put them in anything else and it’s a free for all.
21. Bedtime CAN be interrupted for things like learning to dance in the rain at twilight.
22. Always check the underwear for poop before pulling them down while potty training. What a big mess!
23. Some items of clothing are not worth washing/saving. See Rule #22.
24. “NO!” can have so many different reactions.
    *If you are at home, NO will be ignored.
    *If you are in front of someone that you want to impress with your ability to be the one in control (like your pediatrician or your child’s teacher), then NO will become an opportunity for your little one to laugh in your face.
    *If you are in a public place (like Wal-Mart), NO will be followed by screaming, shrieking, tantrum-throwing, running away, all-out hysteria.
25. There is NOTHING sweeter in the world than your child hugging you and saying “I wuv you Momma.” Nothing. Absolutely Nothing!