We are so lucky......

Over and over again, I hear how lucky my daughter is. How fortunate she is to be with me. How much better her life is here as opposed to there. She has been rescued. Saved.

Telling the people that voice these platitudes that I am the lucky one, that I’m the one that needed saving, that I’ve been rescued is usually met by blank, ignorant smiles. They accept this as something nice I’ve said, but they don’t get it. They don’t realize that my child is not the lucky one. That she is not necessarily better off here as opposed to there.

She hurts. Aches. Grieves. Suffers. She is confused, I feel guilty.

Sadly, I was completely unprepared for my adoption. Even worse, I was completely ignorant of this fact. I knew how to take care of a child, meet their basic needs (okay, my parenting skills of a preschooler could use some serious work!). I had lots of education in transracial and transcultural adoption. I read a little bit on attachment as it related to infants, I read a lot on the integration of an internationally adopted child into a new family. I thought I was prepared.

Until the grief hit. I wasn’t prepared for my almost-4 year old to suddenly wake up to her reality.

How can a child that was brought home at 9 months remember anything? You have to remember something in order to grieve its loss, right? You can’t miss what you’ve never had, right?

But what if you missed learning basic human interactions? Why do they put newborn babies right on the mother’s chest and encourage immediate breast-feeding? If that is so important, then how can you dismiss the longterm effects a child will experience from not attaching to anyone? How can you say that a child was too young (at 9 months of age) to be affected by the turmoil of adoption?

Yes, I just said adoption and turmoil in the same sentence.

My daughter was born. She had a mother and a sister. At around 3 months old, a time when most infants are starting to connect with the main caretakers in their lives, she was taken to an orphanage. She remained there 3 months….she was in a small room with only a few babies and a sweet grandmother of a nanny. When she reached the impressionable age of 6 months, when most babies are interacting and seeking attention from those they love, she was moved to a transition home. She remained at this transition home for 3 months, in a room full of infants with several nannies running around busily. At 9 months of age, a complete stranger showed up and whisked her away. To a new climate. A new language. New air to breathe (if you’ve ever been to Ethiopia - you know the air there is VERY different). New people. New routines. New tastes. New smells. New sounds. New emotions.

4 living situations, 4 “families”, 4 completely different environments in 9 months. 9 months in which she should have been learning who her family was. She should have been learning how to make lasting, trusting relationships. She should have felt unconditional love. She should never have known hunger or cold or fear or loneliness or anxiety.

But in those 9 months of life, she learned far more than most. She learned survival. She learned she didn’t need love. She learned to trust only herself. She learned that if she wanted attention, she had to initiate it. She learned that she existed for herself and no one else.

Will she remember these times? No. Do they still affect her? Yes, daily. Will they always affect her? They shape who she is and will become.

We are learning to let go of a lot of these things. I say we because she, while being very emotionally mature, is also very emotionally immature and needs help and guidance. She’s felt things we adults can never begin to imagine but she did not have anyone to teach her appropriate responses to emotions in the beginning…she is still learning how to deal with her feelings. She is giving up her independence….a tough balancing act for a strong-willed, spunky almost-4 year old. She is learning to trust me, that I will always love her - even when I’m angry, disappointed, or just plain grumpy. She is learning that she does not have to be the center of attention in order to be loved. She is, quite simply, learning what unconditional love is…..and testing it to the very limit to make sure it sticks.

We are also learning to grieve. Mari is sad and angry. It is very easy to blame myself for this and feel guilty. I question the choices I’ve made and the ways I’ve handled things as being the source of her deep-rooted confusion. But it’s becoming quite obvious that we are going through a grieving process right now. 3 years after the fact may seem like a long time but we’ve just now reached a new level of comprehension. Mari is learning how families start, how families live, how families interact, how families love. She is just now learning that hers is different than most. It’s with this newfound understanding that she is beginning to realize what she has doesn't have.

We celebrate her family in Ethiopia. Her mother and sister. We’ve talked about them from Day 1. I call her birthmother Mama H, as if that’s her name. I don’t say your mother or your birthmother or your first mother anymore…..it’s too confusing. We say Mama H, just as we would say Grandma or Auntie, etc. We talk about her birth story in very simplistic terms, leaving emotions out of it and focusing on physical things like lack of food and shelter. We talk about how I came to find her and that Mama H was happy to see me, how we gave a stuffed toy to her sister to remember us. We have pictures up in our house and light candles on special days.

It’s only beginning to settle into her little brain. Why is my sister in Ethiopia, Mommy? Is she hungry too? Did you take her food? Does she go to school like me? Do I have to go back to Ethiopia? Can I go back to Ethiopia?

We talk, we cry, we hold each other.

Recently, the anger and sadness in Mari has escalated drastically. I had a feeling that it was adoption related as her behavior was very rejecting and hurtful towards me (this is her defense mechanism…she puts up a wall to protect herself….she can’t lose what she doesn’t love, right?). Finally it all hit a boiling point and one night she asked me “Why didn’t God give me a daddy?” I was starting to make supper and I could tell by the way she was asking (in the middle of quiet sobbing) that this was a turning point. I stopped everything and turned off burners and scooped her up. I explained, again, how I was not married so she did not have a dad. I explained that we did not know anything about a dad in Ethiopia, I was honest and brief.

And then she asked, “Why doesn’t anyone love me enough to be my daddy?”

We sobbed together for a long time (I’m crying as I type this and it’s been over a week). She was so sad and so angry because she didn’t have a daddy. And she thought she was the reason.

I’ve known for a long time that she wants a dad. What child of a single mom doesn’t dream about having a dad? But I never would have guessed that she felt it was her fault. We are still learning. And these lessons in life come neither easily nor painlessly.

Don‘t try to tell me that an infant is too young to know loss.
Don’t try to tell me that my child is lucky.

How many 3 year olds cry because they want to see their sister that they don’t remember?
How many 3 years olds cry because God didn't give them a daddy?
How many 3 years old are that lucky?

The Magic Bed

We've all heard the adage, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." But....when something breaks, fixing it sometimes just doesn't cut the mustard. Sometimes you have to completely scrap everything you know and start all over.

One of the easiest things about parenthood for me has always been bedtimes. Mari has always been a rockstar sleeper. Other than occasionally whining because she would rather play than take a nap or that she wanted to stay up longer, she has always gone to nap and bed without a fuss, without getting up, and would sleep all night. Sure, she is a super early riser and there have been episodes throughout the last 3 years (usually when she was making some big developmental leaps) where she would have trouble with sleeping the whole night. But, honestly, we have absolutely coasted by. Until now.

Bedtime broke.

I'm not even sure when it happened. I really began feeling the stress of it between Thanksgiving and Christmas but I think it was well before that when it started. Probably back around September, maybe? I remember dealing with some behavior issues after our beach trip but between that throwing our schedule all off and the fact that she moved into a new, more advanced class at school, I took this lapse in stride.

Back around Thanksgiving, we were really revving it up with fighting going to bed and getting up in the middle of the night (usually multiple times) and really fighting about going back to bed.

One thing that Mari really enjoyed was being able to stay up and read for a little while. So I moved her bookcase and lamp next to her bed and she would get 10 minutes of reading time after I read her stories. I also gave her permission to turn her lamp back on and read in the middle of the night if she woke up and couldn't go back to sleep (this was my mom's suggestion). It worked, she stopped getting out of bed in the middle of the night shortly after Thanksgiving and I don't think she ever actually took advantage of the middle-of-the-night reading session. Unfortunately, the novelty of being able to read in bed by herself wore off very quickly too.

I started toying with the idea to move Mari up to a bigger bed around Christmastime (as you can see, her bed was a little crowded). The only time the guest bed is used is for company maybe 1-2 times a year....and the guest bed is used by me as I usually give my guests the master bed/bath. So I figured, I could move the full bed into her room and then just bunk with her when we had guests. When I offered her a bigger bed, I was super surprised when she flat out refused, saying she didn't want a new bed cause hers "was a perfect fit."
Bedtimes started getting harder and harder. We tried rewards, we tried threats, we tried the old "put the kid back to bed but completely ignore her because she just wants attention" method, Santa Claus sent her messages to stay in bed, she got some of her Christmas toys taken away, she had TV taken away. It became a huge battle. Most nights she ended up finally crashing at around 9:30-10:00 when, before, she could never make it past 8:30.

Several weeks of this really wears on your nerves. When you are a single parent you really need those couple hours after your child's bedtime to regroup and recharge. It was something that I had really taken for granted - 2+ hours of peace to finish cleaning, prepare for the next day, watch TV, relax with a book. I was not getting any of this and coupled with the fact that we were fighting about bedtime, we started fighting about everything.

Bedtime Broke!

Specifically the things that were broke:

#1. We were no longer reading before bedtime - Mari has just gotten too big for sitting with me in the rocking chair to read and it was not relaxing to sit on the floor by her bed and read. So we'd pretty much stopped.

#2. Our bedtime routine of "I Love You"s and kisses/hugs was nonexistent because she started throwing a fit as soon as we headed to her room.

#3. It had become a big game for her to try to "sneak" out of her room as many times as she could.

So we needed something new. After some discussion with some of the greatest friends in the world (have I ever mentioned how much I love the people that adoption has brought into my life? WOW!), I came up with a new game plan. I decided not to give Mari a choice about moving up to a big bed. I'm trying to reorganize the house and a huge part of that plan was giving her the guest room bed. It was suggested that, if this was going to be a definite change in the future, then I should go ahead and do it - no point in fixing bedtime and then trying to throw in a new bed. When I re-proposed the idea to Mari, it turns out that she was only worried about keeping her favorite blankets, NO PROBLEM!

Operation Save Bedtime

We moved out Mari's toddler bed and moved the big bed into her room. She loved "helping" me and was really excited to get to pick a set of "Mommy's sheets" to put on her bed. I explained what a big girl she was and how exciting it was going to be to have a big bed.

The first night, I was able to crawl up next to her and read her a bunch of books right there in bed. Then we also worked to fix problem #2 (the hugs/kisses) by taking another mom's suggestion of instituting a snuggle time. I set a timer for 5 minutes and laid with Mari and we talked & talked & talked & talked. (Turns out 5 minutes is not long enough for her to wind down and relax, so we upped it to 10 minutes after that!)

The first night, she snuck out of bed almost immediately but as soon as she made eye contact with me, she hightailed it back to bed. I said nothing and I didn't see her again! Around 4am, she came running into my room with a big grin on her face "I did it, Mommy! I stayed in bed all night!!" Um....not quite. But since she let me put her back to bed without a fuss and went back to sleep, I gave her a freebie on that!

Since it is still dark out when we get up (6am), she really can't tell whether it is morning or not when she wakes up. So I found her "OK to Wake" alarm clock that we had bought awhile ago and set it for her. It glows a soft green when it's okay for her to be up. It never worked before but I guess now she's old enough to "get it" - she has not gotten up once before the green glow appeared since we started this. She will often come in my room at 6:00 to tell me that her light "finally" turned green!

After a couple nights of good bedtimes, we went to Target and picked out new bed linens. My only stipulation was that she picked something that already matched the walls and curtains because I really wasn't ready to redo her whole room. I was very happy with what she picked out and with a Christmas gift card I'd gotten, we did her complete room makeover for $17!!

She was pretty happy with the results! So was I!

And even with all the changes, she continued to do a great job. Just moving the bed to a new location in her room would have been enough to put her knickers in a twist before but she really is growing up.

I promised Mari that if she stayed in bed for 10 nights, she could have a sleepover with her cousin Madi. As soon as she heard that, she started saving a space for Madi in her bed. She did 10 out of 11 nights!!!!!

The grand reward: SLEEPOVER!!

So, bedtime is fixed. I was worried that, after the sleepover, there would be no motivation for her continue trying but she is doing well. She is back to earning coins (plastic gold coins she keeps in a treasure chest) for good behavior and doing chores. She gets a coin every night she stays in bed and, added to her chores/good behavior coins, she was able to save up and buy a movie for herself last night. After almost 3 weeks, there have only been 2 nights that she did not earn a coin - for a 3-yr-old with a broken bedtime, I'd call that FANTASTIC!

The best part of it...instead of dreading bedtime, I now look forward to it. I've always loved reading to her and now I can do it comfortably. And the snuggle time is the best. It's our favorite part of the day and after Mari talks my ear off for a couple minutes, she settles down and it's usually a struggle for her to stay awake until Mommy leaves the room.

Ahhhhh........

Snow Day, NOT!

Yesterday afternoon and evening, we got 9 inches of snow dumped on us. Luckily we were able to leave work early enough to avoid the horrible mess that was caused by a predicted, yet rather ferocious, thunder-snowstorm. Work opened at 10 o'clock this morning, daycare was opening at 9, snowblower man (my awesome neighbor) came around 8 - other than having to drive on some pretty dangerous roads, things were working out okay.

So, I checked the news station that best keeps up with school closings around 8:45 just to double check before final preparations to leave the house. Mari and I bundled up and set out around 9 for our typical white-knuckle drive out of our neighborhood. I can usually breathe a sigh of relief once we get to the main roads, but not today. It was an unpleasant ride the whole way.

Now, let me stop here and say that I only live a couple miles from my job and can get there in about 2-3 minutes in normal conditions but daycare is a few miles out of the way (still only takes about 10 minutes each way).

Anyway, back to my story....we arrived at daycare around 9:30 and the parking lot was clean and the sidewalks nicely shovelled. I thought it was a little strange that no cars were in the parking lot but I figured that no one was currently dropping off kids. We went to the "big building" (Mari's class is in the building with the grade school - which was out because they follow the same cancellation as the county schools) and it was locked and dark. I wasn't really surprised because when the "big" school is closed, often Mari's class goes down to the daycare building for part or all of the day. So I drove down there. It wasn't until I got out and tried the dark, locked door that I realized that the parking lot would not be empty if there were any teachers there. Duh!

So I called my mom to check the closings again on the computer, thinking maybe they had pushed back to open at 10. Nope. Closed. Boo. (And very unusual)

At that point, I was left with 3 options:
1. Go home and miss work. I really didn't want to miss work (or use up my time off) plus the drive back to my house was going to be bad (the return trip is mostly uphill).
2. Go home and call my neighbor to see if they could keep Mari. Again, I'd have to drive home in the nastiness and then drive back to work...a trip that would normally take less than 20 minutes but would be at least an hour today.
3. Or just take Mari to work. I wasn't feeling really good about that option but since work is basically on the way home (a little out of the way but on decent roads).....

So I picked option #3. While taking Mari to work was the lesser of the three evils, it was not without its risks (I work in a doctor's office). On the way there, we discussed leaving the patients alone, being quiet, listening well, staying at Mommy's desk, etc. Luckily, I had a couple preschool activity books in the car, Mari had Raffey, and I had packed her lunchbox well. I was still pretty apprehensive because I knew it was going to be a long day of "staying on top" of her.

So, she totally showed me up. She was awesome. She sat at my desk most of the day; did her activity sheets, drew pictures, played with my tape and highlighters and post-its, she watched Nick JR on my computer, she "helped" me with some paperwork.

She started getting wiggly around lunchtime but thought the walk to the cafeteria was awesome. She even did a quick rendition of "Stayin Alive" in the middle of the cafeteria. And she thought curly fries were a great addition to her lunch. On the way back from the cafeteria, we saw an old "friend" - one of the OR techs that had helped with her ear tubes. He's the "keeper of the teddy bears" and he talked to her for a few minutes and then disappeared for a moment, reappearing with a new teddy bear for her!

She got to help clean the fish bowls and put the beta fish back into their bowls. She got to eat chocolate cake that one of the docs had brought. She sang songs and talked to my coworkers. She made friends with our supply guy. She had an absolute blast.

Finally, about an hour before the day was over, she decided she wanted to lay down, but since we were winding down, we were able to leave the office a little early.

She fell asleep before we left the parking lot! By then the roads were completely clear.

I wouldn't want to do this every day. It was not a relaxing day, by any means. But I was very proud of Little Miss Diva for having a stellar day and really reigning herself in and behaving so well. I hope we're never stuck in another situation like this but I'm so glad that it turned out well. I was hoping for something less than a disaster and it turned out to be a fun day.

Back to normal tomorrow!

Happy Family Day!

Happy Family Day!!

3 Years Together!

I love you, Amari Roza!!

Week 52 of 52 !!!!!!!!!!!

Final week of the year!! I finished!!!! Woohoo!!!!

Week 52 of 52

2010: 12/24

Putting out gingerbread cookies for Santa. Mari was very much into the whole "Santa" thing this year. It was very magical.

2010: 12/25

Merry Christmas!

Mari asked Santa for an Iron Man mask.

She believes....

2010: 12/26

ZhuZhu pets are really popular with all members of the household!

2010: 12/27

This is pretty much what Mari wants to do every waking hour...she loves her Leapster Explorer. Unfortunately, she has had it taken away until her behavior improves.

2010: 12/28

In case you were wondering if that brownie pan advertised on TV works (the one that makes perfectly cut brownies straight out of the pan)....it works AWESOMELY!!

2010: 12/29

Hoping next year Mari will get a few more stuffed animals for Christmas, we don't seem to have enough!

2010: 12/30

Mickey has taken over the brownies.

2010: 12/31

The last day of the year. Turned out to be a nice one, weather-wise for us. We had a very pleasant time playing outside and getting some fresh air.
Done. Done. Done. Had fun but I miss regular blogging. Back to normal now.

Happy New Year!

Weeks 48, 49, 50, & 51 (*GASP*)

Yes, I'm cramming 4 weeks into 1 post. Get over it! Trying to finish up the year - just one more week to go. I'll be glad when this project is over. While it's been fun, it has definitely hampered my motivation for writing real blog posts. I still owe you several real ones. Soon, I promise. I promise!

Week 48 of 52

2010: 11/26

Well, duh! The day after Thanksgiving - of course we put up the tree.

2010: 11/27

This was a hard decision between two pix.

Today Mari went to see her first movie in a theater (Tangled - LOVED it!) as part of a birthday party. I have a cute picture of her and her buddy wearing their 3D glasses. But I decided on this picture. Mari almost wouldn't go into the theater when she realized Santa was set up in the lobby. The birthday party was in a glassed-in room off the lobby, so she got to watch Santa interact with other kids and even got the courage to go up to him several times to talk at a distance. He was really patient and played it cool. By the time the movie was over, she was brave enough to go sit on his lap and ask him for an Iron Man mask. I love that she overcame her own fear and that the party/movie presented us with an opportunity to do this on her own terms.

2010: 11/28

Been having trouble with Mari waking up wide awake in the middle of the night. So I moved her bookcase and lamp close to her bed. She's now allowed to turn on the light and read in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. (It worked, she's not woken up to read yet!)

2010: 11/29

Think I've mentioned that I've had mouse problems. Mickey actually caught one. EEEK! This is him "coming down" off his adrenaline high!

2010: 11/30

Sammy cat loves being under the tree...unfortunately, he needs his nails trimmed.

2010: 12/01

When I put on my ribbon for World AIDS day, Mari insisted she needed one too. I told her if she was going to wear the ribbon, she had to know why. Her version = "my ribbon is to remember there are lots of sick kids and we don't want them to be sick anymore."

2010: 12/02

Mari's homework is getting harder. She is a rock star and amazes me every single day.

Week 49 of 52

2010: 12/03

Mari loves her Advent calendar!

2010: 12/04

Mari outgrew her baby blanket that she's taken to school for almost 3 years. When I told her we needed to replace it, she had an all-out meltdown. Her mood changed quickly when I told her she could pick the fabric for both the blanket and a new pillowcase. I'm very proud of my pillowcase - I did it totally just on a whim and even made a ruffle.

2010: 12/05

First snow of the season! I was down with strep throat but I got Mari dressed so she could play outside for a few minutes (I stayed inside and took pix from the door). You would have thought it snowed 2 feet from the way she acted.

2010: 12/06

Do you know how long it takes to wrap a present using little safety scissors and a 3-yr-old's help?

2010: 12/07

Mari wanted her hair done like Minnie Mouse.

I think we succeeded!

2010: 12/08

Mickey has taken to sleeping in Mari's room. She won't let him in her bed but she loves having him in there with her.

2010: 12/09

Mari has apparently taken note of me using a cold cloth on my head for headaches. She declared this morning that she had a headache and grabbed a wad of toilet paper for her aching head.

Week 50 of 51

2010: 12/10

Inside joke - got a pair of purple glasses in my stocking at work.

2010: 12/11

My Christmas gifts to Mari and my nieces...made the vests with personalized patches from Etsy, added patches to the hats, made bandanas, stick horses, and I landed a Christmas miracle by finding boots on clearance in all their sizes!

2010: 12/12

Making gingerbread cookies

2010: 12/13

Our annual Christmas card pose (except I never got around to doing cards!)

Wearing the red dress, sparkly shoes, and headband she was supposed to wear in her school play.

2010: 12/14

We had a lot of fun with our stockings at work this year. Unfortunately, I was naughty.

2010: 12/15

Mari's ornament for this year

2010: 12/16

Had an unexpected snow day, so we visited our neighbors. I love this pic with the snowball mid-flight!

Week 51 of 52

2010: 12/17

"Helping" me with the laundry

2010: 12/18

Mari and Madi - these two crack me up!

2010: 12/19

"Do not be afraid" - I don't think the angel counted on a 3-year-old playing "parade" with the nativity characters.

2010: 12/20

Mari wanted me to take a picture with her and Mickey (the world's most tolerant cat ever!)

2010: 12/21

Mari wearing her headband from her school play (which got cancelled cause so many kids were out sick)

2010 2008: 12/22

No picture from this day, so I'll give you a flashback from 2 years ago.

2010: 12/23

Daycare was closed but I had to work, so Mari got to spend the morning with friends and the afternoon with Grandma. No nap, lots of play, Mommy late picking her up.....fell asleep with a marshmallow in her hand.........

Coming soon.....final week with Christmas pix, end of the year video. Following soon after....Christmas post, Family Day, and catchup!